Cut to -
Connery: Och aye the noo, I have indeed got billsh to pay, the shame ash any of you mere mortalsh.Aargh, my eyes! I'd forgotten about Zardoz. Shame is about right, Seany boy, shame indeed.
Anyway, inspired by Moore and O'Neill's neat retooling of numerous literary creations, and very probably labouring under the misapprehension that the 'League of...' template could be applied to any area of creative fiction, I give you:
The League of Unpredictable Mentalists
The pitch: Silky-smooth London kingpin and ex-antiques dealer Horatio Lovejoy sends trusted lieutenant Don Logan out to recruit an eclectic selection of classic movie nutjobs in this breezy caper comedy!Don Logan He's the lovable cockney scamp who just won't take no for an answer!
Tommy DeVito This shoe-shining Italian-American is the life and soul of any New York party!
Tony Montana Thinking of Havana yayo-fuelled mental breakdown? Just keep your hands off his sister - you don't want to meet Tony's 'little friend'!
Travis Bickle The idiosyncratic wheelman outlines his seasonal must-haves - what's hot: mohicans, exercise, firearms. What's not: pimps, hoodlums, scumbags. Travis, chill - that's just your reflection!
And last, but most assuredly not least, Franco Begbie, Glasgow's forthright firecracker philosopher. "Jesus, ah thoat ah wis fucken psychoatic before ah hooked up wi' this loat."
Yes, these adorable rascals prove the breezy spirit of Ealing is alive and well as they tackle that most reliable of crime plot devices - one final job - with hilarious consequences!
Not doing it for you? No problem, let's just reset Sheersy's patented League Randomizer and see what we get...
The League of Infuriating Animated Sidekicks
The pitch: A wave of suspicious heart attacks among US animation studio execs leads to a collective, industry-wide effort to right the wrongs of their terminally misguided predecessors and make a clean sweep of their more questionable marketing decisions.Together for the first time - Orko! Scrappy Doo! The New Shmoo! Snarf! Uni! Godzooky!
7-Zark-7 tasks a hand-picked, hand-drawn team of plucky cartoon buffoons, whose existence would appear solely to provide comic relief to particularly moronic toddlers, with some unrealistically dangerous mission or other. Infiltrate Castle Grayskull, perhaps, or steal Tiamat's favourite...egg. Whatever.
OK kids, I've given you the League of Loons and the League of Toons entirely free of charge. Now why not give the Randomizer a spin and come up with a few ker-azy congregations of your own?
Disclaimer: Don't blame me - blame Alan Moore!
